I was listening to Catholic radio today and a woman called in who was asking about her marriage. Apparently, she was in a valid marriage, but they divorced, didn't get a church annulment, and got back together. She asked what the Church thought of her relationship. The men on the show told her that they were still married in the eyes of God, since they were in a valid marriage to begin with and it was never annulled. They also said that the divorce was just a civil matter anyway, but that it didn't mean she shouldn't take steps to remarry for the law.
Now, this definitely isn't anywhere close to the mess I'm in, but I was glad to hear this woman's reaction.
She cried. She said she was relieved that she was married in the Church and that people just didn't understand how horrible it is to sit in the pew and watch everyone take communion while she couldn't.
I started crying there. *I* know what it's like to sit in the pew and long to receive the Eucharist. It pains me every mass I attend. I try not to think about all of the people who are receiving Jesus when they are not supposed to. I try to keep my eye on that light at the end of the tunnel. Putting myself in this position ruined my spiritual life. I didn't have the Eucharist to keep me going. I got discouraged about going to confession after receiving my penance and a stern, "Do not receive Holy Communion until you are married within the Church" a few times.
It hurts. But I did it to myself. And I can only pray that this is the last month that I will be without it. Lord knows I will do everything in my power to keep myself in communion with the Church from then on. I've been without it for too long to want to ever keep myself away from Christ ever again. I long for the Eucharist. And I'm almost there. Praise be to God.