When You Can't Pray...

The last year of our lives has not been easy. It has been beautiful, but difficult. Losing Nico to the ban, and then watching him grow up via pictures was a great loss. He still exists. He still waits in an orphanage. A part of my family is missing, and that hurts.

The adoption process isn't easy, and I promise this isn't yet another post about adoption, but really about those trying times when you are in the thick of grief and can't bring yourself to pray.

I tend to shut down and go into robot mode when I am struggling. I have a hard time hearing and speaking to God. I beg for clarity, but I am not open to it. I sit in mass in tears, hoping for the fog to lift, but I can barely eke out a prayer.

This is not my current state right now. But I've been there, especially in the months leading up to meeting Maks after losing Nico.

It has been so very important for me to network and find myself Christian friends that I know will pick up the slack. This is one way Facebook can really be a blessing. I am taking a break right now, but I have connections that have made it outside of Facebook to keep me grounded. I have been able to plan things with real life friends easier because of it.

The prayers of my friends and family truly did get me through some tough times. We had a fairly easy transition into family life of 8, and I know that was because of Christ. He took care of us even though I couldn't speak with Him. My friends and family took care of me with their fervent prayers when I couldn't do it.

It's beautiful, and I'm forever grateful. I hope that anyone reading has that type of support, because I'm not sure how anyone gets through life without it.