Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My First Time Praying at the Clinic...

Was a bit uneventful.

I will admit, I was scared. I knew I would be praying alone and I had Charlotte with me and my anxiety levels were high. I sat in my car for a good 15 minutes acting like a wuss.

I finally sucked it up, put Charlotte in the Beco, grabbed my sign, and walked over to the spot.

It was 99° and there wasn't shade. I choked out a rosary, crying after each decade, though I'm not sure why. I was just really overwhelmed.

I had brought my rosary beads that were blessed by Pope John Paul II himself, and could smell the rose scent coming from them.

As soon as I finished my rosary, which took about 25 minutes with all my blubbering, Charlotte started to fuss and I was burning, so I had to leave. I felt bad that I couldn't even stay the hour. What if someone needed help right after I left? What if someone had seen me from within the clinic and was mustering up the bravery to walk out? What if...? What if...? What if...?

I don't know. It all breaks my heart. I just can't deal with being that close to all of those poor sweet babies. A place of sadness and despair. I'm starting to cry again because I just wish it would all end. I will never understand how people can think this is okay, how this can be the merciful thing to do, how those children aren't deserving of their lives, how ruining the very gift that God had given women: motherhood, is evil.

Sigh. I hope to go again soon. I don't feel like I did as much as I could've today.


  1. I just finished reading "What Women Fear" by Angie Smith and she talks about the "What if" stuff. She made a good point, that we only real fail at things we're called to do if we don't do them at all. The time you spent was well spent, even if you don't feel like it. Was anyone else there to pray? If you hadn't been there at all, no one would have prayed the prayer(s) you specifically prayed. I'm proud of you, I know it wasn't easy for you.

    I was going to text you and ask how it went but I couldn't remember when you were going.

  2. Thanks Phronsie. No, I was alone. I know the prayers were worth it. I just felt bad I couldn't stay the whole time. When I can actually pay enough attention I'll have to read that book.

  3. I know how you feel. And at least you were there! :)


"If you can't say somethin' nice... don't say nothin' at all..." ~Thumper